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每個人一輩子往往不僅結交一個情人,可能是兩位、三位,或許更多;而每個情人若不是最後的情人,大概都要經歷一次分手的場面。然而,有些分手並不是那麼徹底、清楚的,尤其要跟交往很久的情人分手更是不容易,常常想要分手,卻又擔心邂逅不到更好的對象,多所遲疑加上長年在一起的慣性,兩人的狀態便陷入「要死不活」或是等待「自然死」的狀態。這樣或許還是應該徹底大痛一次、斷然分手,否則兩個人都活得不精彩、有氣無力,要是真的結合,更會覺得是束縛了。

當然,如果與對方稍微分開,像是單獨去旅行也好,發現自己難以想像沒有對方的人生,更應該珍惜和對方的安心、信賴關係,而製造屬於兩人新的刺激。因為對方可能是唯一了解自己的人,這樣的人或許在世間真的不可多得,如果只是覺得「好像少了些什麼」,就應該兩人共同去尋求,愛情也不僅是刺激與雀躍而已。

但是,如果和對方在一起,自己只是愈來愈欠缺自信、愈來愈低潮,像是男人慢慢不把自己當女人看;或是因為太熟了,逐漸出現自我本位的要求,言行會不斷傷害自己等,這樣的感情對自己已沒有太大好處。自己即使知道男人需要什麼,也先為自己打算,顯見自己已經不愛他了,只是因為跟他在一起很久、已是公認的一對了,很擔心面子問題和別人的眼光、或是找不到更好的男人,才會繼續委屈求全。

這時其實該反過來想,就是因為跟自己已經無法感受到魅力的男人在一起,才會連自己的魅力、自信都喪失了,如果不徹底分手,是無法邂逅新的愛情的,所以不能繼續欺騙自己,在該分手時,就要劃上休止符,而且不能拖拖拉拉的。

或許,自己還不算討厭對方,但在一起已經像老夫老妻,只有安心感、完全沒有雀躍心跳的感覺;自己完全不會優先考慮對方的事,只是他已經變成生活、習慣的一部分,像是空氣般自然;有時吵架完全不想看見對方的臉,但分手幾次,結果都沒真正成功,兩人又和好、卻總是沒有如初過,分分合合,只是讓情份愈來愈稀薄。

所以,在發現兩人已成為一灘死水,創造不出新的事物而且逐漸腐臭化時,應該要面對事實而徹底分手;否則等到僅有情份都消失了才分手,兩人都已精疲力竭,連輝煌的過去也會黯淡起來。這樣的分手,是為了讓兩個人都好。

因此,有時候不必那麼在意別人的想法,不要太過顧慮對方父母已經將自己當媳婦對待,所有朋友都認為兩人已經是準夫妻,或兩人已經去旅行或同居好一陣子等;如果覺得自己已經無法繼續愛對方,只是因為無法面對別人而在一起,這樣不僅傷害自己、也對不起對方。

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Going through a break-up really takes a toll on one’s life. Even more so when it has been a long term relationship. But going through a muddy break-up is worse. A clean break-up fastens the recovering process because there is nothing else to do beside getting over it. But when there are hope, what do you do? Do you wait around or get over it?

Interestingly enough, my dad mentioned if you want to break-up with someone, the best way is to lead them to breaking up with you…

在被愛與愛的難題中,自己以不知覺的做了選擇…

Because the topic of cheating came up several times, with different people, under different context… – When do you forgive when someone cheated on you?

I’m not talking about those one-time cheating that happens under alcoholic influences or what not… If that kinda cheating happens, I see it as a character flaw. Don’t need to forgive; it’s over. But it’s the other kind, that’s hard to decide. 

I used to think that it’s horrible, not that I don’t find it wrong now, but I used to believe it’s all one side’s fault. If it happened to me, I would probably hate the third person, and wished she hadn’t walked into his life. And so, after I forgive him and decide to trust him, it’d be all good… minus some bad memories. And the same if it happened to my friends, I’d hope for them that the third person didn’t exist in their lifes and still believe the relationship would work out after everything’s over. 

But now I think otherwise. 

Now I believe… cheating happens when there’s something wrong with the relationship. And so, I wouldn’t blame it all on the person who cheated and I wouldn’t hate the third person. Just because she/he happened to be there for him/her doesn’t mean they’re a horrible person. So I would forgive. But at the same time, if I forgive, I’m admitting there’s something wrong… And so, I’ll choose to just end the relationship there. It’s not that I don’t believe in solving problems in a relationship. To hold a relationship, there are a lot of communications and compromises. But something serious enough to let the other person cheat… It’s probably better letting him/her go.

Forever means forever to me. That’s why I don’t … say forever often. No matter how much I love the person… I’m not gonna mention forever. Once you say forever, it seems like a promise. … At least for me. And since I’m only 18, I admit I don’t know much what’s happening around me, not to mention what’s happening inside of me. As much as I woudl like to say I love you forever, i can’t. Cuz it’s something so uncertain. At the age of 18, there’s so much that can change… Promises aren’t made to be broken… Even though I dont’ mention forever… I still love you. And as typical as this sounds, I love you so much that I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you. But the sad thing is… I know that when we do break up, I’ll eventually stand up and get over it. No matter how long it’ll take…… I’ll learn to enjoy life afterward…even without you. That…thought alone…scares me enough.

At the same time, I’m a hypocrite. Im not saying “forever”, since it’ll probably not happen… Sorry, I just don’t have high hopes. Yet, I’m saying “love”. But do I really know what it is? It’s only been a month. Do I know enough of you to love you? …

blah have this huge urge to cross out everythign i wrote in his yearbook. Blah, I still have this… thing where I hate my own words… I can’t stand reading them, they’re so… disgusting, and ugh. I wanna take a red pen and go over and cover the words I wrote. The words that I wrote when I was feeling down. Or…just rip out the pages.