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No, I’m not here to rant about those that have double standards. Actually, I’m one of them.

I remember a while ago I wanted to blog about how simple words like sorry can make all my anger go away. But I’ve realized the same doesn’t work with someone who’s closer to me, e.g. my family or my boyfriend. The closer someone is to be, the more expectations I have. I rarely get mad at friends, but it’s much easier for me to get mad at my brother. My reasoning was that normal friends don’t really understand me, so I don’t expect much. But with close friends, there is the expectation that they understand you and care about you. And I remember talking about this with someone 4 – 5 years ago, and they got quite offended.

The reasoning makes logical sense, but maybe I should add the reasoning to forgive close friends because they are, after all, my close friends.

Sometimes people just want to be left alone

Sometimes, I just want to be left alone. I like my personal space and my private times. That’s why I don’t like people proding into my personal life. I know good intention’s behind it, but I’d much prefer a simple “how are you doing”. 

And so I would really leave someone alone when they tell me to leave them alone. Because that’s how I would’ve like to be treated. And I wouldn’t ask about someone’s personal life or if they’re still upset. It’s not because I don’t care. I do. I really do. I’m here whenever they need me; but I wouldn’t actively ask.

If there is an award for putting your family before you, my parents would win this hands down.

They met and got married in Canada. Then they had us. But we moved everything we had to Taiwan when I was three because my grandpa got sick. He was bedridden. My dad felt it was his responsibility as the only son to take care of him. So we left Canada. When we were in Taiwan, my mom didn’t work, my dad didn’t have an official work – he went to the stock market everyday. My parents didn’t work not because they can’t find a job. They didn’t have a choice. My mom stayed at home to take care of my grandpa and us, the two young ones. My dad can’t have a real job because my grandpa was insecure, especially at night. He would call my dad’s name just to make sure he is there. So my dad can’t sleep till past 3am. This went on for 8 years.

Later on I realized how big of the sacrifice this was, especially for my mom as a woman after four years of marriage. Staying at home taking care of my grandpa and us without a stable source of income meant she didn’t have time for herself and couldn’t do what she would want to do. I’m not sure how I would react if I have to be strapped down at home to take care of my kids and my husband’s dad. What bothers me about that thought is I won’t be working, I can’t do what I want to do, whatever my interest may be when I’m 30 and I can’t take my kids to places because there’s not enough money. I picture a good family life to be watching your kids play baseball, take them travelling… And what my mom went through was no where close to that. I think most women want a good family life while continuing enriching herself. As a young adult… it’s sad to see my mom lost her 30’s.

Then we moved back to Canada after my grandpa passed away. As a kid, I was told that we moved because it’s a better environment for us. The air is fresh and the education system is good. But what I didn’t know as a kid is the sacrifices they make, again, by moving back here. My dad is not good at English, he can barely communicate in English with broken sentences. His background is business. The business culture, I am sure, in Asia is different from here. So, he can’t do what he does well here. And my mom has trouble finding a job, as most immigrants face when they first move here. So they started this small Vegetarian business, without much support I might add. My grandma once said “一个不会英文,一个不会开车,怎么作生意”.

This small business is not comparable at all to the businesses that my dad’s been through in Taiwan. He mentions a lot all his past experiences in businesses. He went outside and started his own business while doing night school when he was 21. And he’s been doing businesses since then. I feel 心酸 whenever he talks about the past. A man who is reminiscing his past. 我大姑妈看到我爸回去时很难过,因为他以前穿的都挺时髦的,但现在却都是旧衣服. I believe family and career are the most important things to a man. Which comes first is argueable. But my dad doesn’t have a career now. And what’s worse is that he had a career, a promising one, but he *chose* to give it up. For what? Just for us…

So if you ask me, can someone put others before him/her, I would answer with absolute certainty yes.