I take the bus everyday from Seattle to Redmond, where work is at. It’s about 45 minutes one way, and the traffic’s just getting worse and worse even when I leave at the same time. And sometimes we would arrive at my stop with a bus immediately ahead of us. Whenever that happens I feel slightly pleased, the fact that we caught up to the other bus.

But really, why should I be happy that we caught up? There are only two conditions that could lead to my bus catching up to the other: 1) my bus was driving faster, and 2) the other bus was driving slower. Regardless, it meant our bus spent less time on the road than the other bus. So is spending less time stuck in traffic compared to others something I should be happy about? You can argue that other people suffered longer, as they spent more time in traffic. Why should I feel pleased then, even just a little, that other people suffered longer than I have.

有時候覺得自己太好強了… I don’t know if I’m being competitive or I have high standards set out for myself. It sometimes feels that other people can fail, but I can’t. I want to prove that I’m at equal grounds with anyone else. When I heard actuarial science is hard, I wanted to try it just to see if I can handle it. With the amount of stress from work, B suggested that perhaps it’s not worth it. My first thought was: I can’t give up, other people have succeed at Microsoft. I can and will too. And this is probably why it was so hard dealing with what happened with my last relationship. Pride played some part.

But it seems like I have the wrong focus.

Life isn’t about doing well in school, nor is it about being successful at work. It sure isn’t about competing with other people.. 並且每個人的機遇、命運也不一樣… I’m just going to end up pushing myself for nothing that really matters in the grand scheme of things.